Poor Xellos
by Suzunomiko
Summary: Silly little fic I wrote to appease the letter demons.


July 19, 2003, 2:57 AM How to Make Xellos Faint  
  
I'm writing this for the sole purpose of making up for sending three letters in close succession. (And I wanted to torment a Mazkou Priest)  
  
Deep within the recesses of the Slayers world (and no, I'm not talking about Xellos' playpen), Lina Inverse sits in an old tavern tinkering with the right ingredients for her latest black magic spell. It was specifically designed to give her power over her enemies… and probably her friends too. She laughed evilly as she drew the characters for 'Absolute Control' on the dusty tavern floor with her newly acquired magic chalk. Little did she know that in another dimension, those characters meant something as well. Roughly translated, they read 'Evil Fanfic Writers'.  
  
There wasn't much of a difference, was there?  
  
The next morning Zelgadis Greywards, Gourry Gabriev, and Princess Amelia Seiloon were talking about the laud and rather disturbing BOOM they'd all heard the previous night.  
  
Zelgadis: It couldn't have been anything demonic, or I would have felt the negative energy waves. Besides, it was probably another one of Lina's foolish power trips.  
  
Amelia quirked and eyebrow, curious as to exactly when the chimera had started using terms like 'power trip'. None the less, she added her opinions to the conversation.  
  
Amelia: That's true, considering we all heard her snoring outside her door earlier.  
  
Zelgadis: (smirking) I'm surprised we can't hear her now.  
  
Gourry remained silent and kept his thoughts to himself. If he defended Lina, he'd get evil glares from Zel. If he joined in ridiculing her, she'd find out and he'd never hear the end of it. It was simply safer to remain in neutral territory. Without warning, an ear-piercing screech shattered the morning's calm atmosphere… as well as several of the tavern's windows. Lina shot down the stairs and behind Gourry's chair, where she proceeded to suck her thumb while repeating a muffled mantra of 'it's just a dream, it's just a dream, it's just a dream…'  
  
Gourry: Lina…? What's wrong?  
  
As if in answer, a pair of girls dressed in VERY strange clothing bounced down the stairs… a la Peppi Le Pieu. The one on the left was a bit taller than the one on the right, though she appeared a tad younger. She had curly dark hair that went to the middle of her back and was wearing a pair of soft pink rose-print pajamas with fuzzy purple slippers on her feet. In her left hand was a black leather leash which was attached to the chibi doll with red hair she was currently bouncing unmercifully down the stairs behind her. The one on the right looked a little more mature in age, yet was only about five feet tall. She had shiny dishwater blonde hair that flowed down to her waist and was donned in a green silk nightdress which was too long for her and pooled around her ankles. Over this she wore a red robe that was covered in black roses and was completely see through except for the belt and trim. In her arms she cradled a chibi doll much like the one her companion had, the only difference being that the uniform and hair were light blue, and it had a little plastic stopwatch sewn to it's right hand.  
  
Suzu: Where'd she go, Raye?  
  
Raye: I don't know, Suzu. I could have sworn she was here a second ag… OH! LOOK! LOOK WHO IT IS!!!  
  
Suzu looks to where Raye is pointing and comes face to face with a rather irritated chimera. This didn't deter her in the least as she squealed with demented fangirl glee and glomped onto his legs koala style.  
  
Suzu: ZELGAAAAAAAAAAADIS!!!!  
  
…Who promptly sweat dropped, went chibi and flailed his arms in semi-circles at his sides, demanding that someone get her off of him. NOW! Amelia and Gourry took fighting stances, both of them ignoring Lina, who was currently rocking back and forth behind the chair with her fingers in her ears, humming loudly.  
  
Gourry: Who are you, and why are you trying to molest Zel?  
  
At this Zel stopped struggling and glared at the swordsman, unerringly giving Suzu the precious time she needed to move her vice-like grip to a higher point on his body. Now cutting off his air supply, the impossibly genki fangirl started her chibi-Miki's stopwatch so she could time exactly how long it would take him to pass out.  
  
Raye smiled at the display then turned to Amelia, giving her the salute of the people of Seiloon.  
  
Raye: Princess, I apologize for my friend's behavior. But you see, she's been pining over him for months now and denying her the chance to embrace him in her constri… er, loving fangirl arms would be terribly unjust.  
  
While Gourry used his sword as a crowbar to try and pry Suzu off of Zelgadis, Amelia's eyes watered and shone with the light of an oncoming speech.  
  
Amelia: (Speech pose) ……………………………….......................................................... gasp I… I FORGOT WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY!!!  
  
Somewhere in the Seiloon Palace, Prince Philionel shuddered.  
  
Zelgadis finally passed out. Not because of lack of air, but because he was so shocked that AMELIA had failed to deliver a speech. Suzu, disappointed since he'd lost consciousness by other means, promised that she herself would cause someone to faint before this fic was through. Gourry fanned Zelgadis with his cape, trying to revive him before anything really bad happened.  
  
Meanwhile, behind the chair, Lina was watching the whole scene with a sense of impending doom. This rare human emotion attracted… you guessed it, Xellos. Who appeared right behind Lina and tapped her on the shoulder, getting a fireball in the kisser for his intrusion. The bright flash of light, not to mention the necessary cry, attracted the attention of Raye and Suzu.  
  
Suzu: There she is! Miss Lina!!  
  
Raye: You called us here, so you have to send us back!  
  
Suzu: Unless…  
  
The girls looked at each other with an air of mischief that immediately caught Xellos' attention. They went over to the trembling sorceress and each put a hand on her shoulder.  
  
Raye: You wanted something, right? We can help. We owe you lots for helping us finally get here.  
  
Lina: W-what do you mean?  
  
Suzu: Simply this. You called forth creatures that would give you absolute power over those you despise. (Lina nods) Well, we can do that. The characters you wrote on the floor with Zelgadis' magic chalk…  
  
The chimera sits up with an annoyed cry of 'hey…'.  
  
Suzu: (continuing) may mean 'Absolute Control' in this dimension, but in ours it means, well…  
  
Raye: It means us. The characters you wrote describe us exactly. You see, we like to write. A lot. And everything we write HAPPENS in this dimension.  
  
All present stare at the girls with a unanimous mental gulp, even Xellos, who had opened his eyes slightly for the occasion. Zelgadis lays back again, though he does not pass out.  
  
Lina: So.. So your saying that… you'll, erm… write for me?  
  
Both girls nod vigorously. Lina breaks into a vicious grin.  
  
Lina: Can you do something about THAT!? (Points to Xellos)  
  
Raye: You may have the honors, Suzu.  
  
Suzu: Why thank you, Raye. Xellos, would you come here for a moment?  
  
Xellos' eyes are now halfway open, and it appears that he intends to keep them that way so he can sense what she intends to do to him. He stalks over to her, standing a full head and a half taller than the human girl, and scowles.  
  
Xelloss: Yes, luv?  
  
Suzu: (smiles pleasantly) Do you think you could leave Lina and the others alone for a while? Or at least be nice to them?  
  
Xelloss: And what if I refuse?  
  
Suzu: Then I'll write you into a lemon with…  
  
Xellos: Yes?  
  
Suzu: Filia.  
  
Xellos suddenly goes as white as a sheet, before turning interesting shades of blue never before seen, not even by Crayola. He then falls to the floor in a dramatic faint, with his arms spread out and one knee in the air while little (dizzy) cyclones spin bizarrely over his head. Zelgadis stands, raises his hands to chest level slowly… and claps.  
  
Suzu bows. Deeply. And she really enjoys it too. Suddenly, she looks over at Raye, who seems to understand the meaning behind the gesture.  
  
Both: I'm hungry.  
  
» owari »  
  
- By Suzu - For Raye 3:45 AM 


End file.
